Getting Along with "Intimidators"
Intimidators control us by making us fear. They keep us from asking for anything or from controlling them in any way, by making us afraid to approach them. They do this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and perhaps even physical violence. They use our fear and self-doubt to control us.
For intimidators the others are always wrong and they have every "right" to punish them. They are simultaneously the police, judge, jury and execution squad.
Another benefit they gain from this role, is that they never have to look at themselves or change anything about themselves, as "they are perfect" and the others are all wrong.
4. They also, by making us fear us, seek to get want they want from us.
Some combine the role of the victim and the intimidator and thus get the double benefit being right for two reasons. The misconception here is that whoever is the victim is right and whoever is angry is right.
Thus, in order to cope with the intimidators in our lives, we will need to overcome our fear. This fear has its basis in childhood when a shouting parent was a real threat for many reasons. First of all, there might be punishment and thus emotional or physical pain. Secondly, all our security and survival were dependent on this person who was shouting and intimidating us. Thirdly, if this person was shouting in such a belittling way, this must mean that we are wrong, evil, a bad child, and thus not worthy of love and respect.
Now, even as full grown adults our subconscious reaction tends to be fear and self-doubt when someone shouts at, accuses or intimidates us. I have seen comic situations a small sized woman intimidate a man twice her size with her threats.
LEARNING TO BE FREE AND LOVING
WITH "INTIMIDATORS"
Some of the beliefs, which create our negative emotions, might be:
a. I am in danger, I could be hurt.
b. My survival is being threatened.
c. Something horrible could happen.
d. I am wrong, unworthy since whoever shouts must be right and whomever is being shouted at must be wrong.
e. I cannot protect myself from this person.
f. I am weak and unable to protect my needs and beliefs.
g. Better to give in and have peace than stand up for what I need or believe.
h. I am the victim in this situation.
I. I must protect myself from this person.
We need to get free from emotions which:
1. Cause us to fear and give power to the intimidators.
2. Cause us to lose our peace of mind and our love for them.
Here a list of some frequent emotions we have when dealing with persons playing the role of the intimidator and affirmations which will help us maintain our strengthen and love.
Note:
These lists are in no way complete. Be open to unlimited other possibilities and all their aspects.
1. Fear (threatened)
Even though until now I feared when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).
2. Self-doubt (unworthy, guilt, shame)
Even though until now I felt self-doubt when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).
3. Injustice (hurt, pain, bitter)
Even though until now I felt injustice when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).
4. Humiliation,(rejection, demeaned)
Even though until now I felt humiliation when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).
5. Anger (rage, hate)
Even though until now I felt anger when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).
A possible ideal way of interacting with an Intimidator
I would like to be able to overcome my fears and sit calmly until the other's rage has subsided while I remember that I am not in danger and that he is unhappy. The more he shouts the more I will feel compassion for him because he seems even more unhappy. I will try to understand what he really needs in this moment. I will seek to understand what fear is causing him to react in this way so I can help him feel safe and secure with me.
When he has calmed down, I will explain that I have no intention of hurting him or making him unhappy. However, if I do not fulfill my needs, I will be unhappy and will harbor negative feelings towards him. I will suggest that we try again to discuss the subject and make a list of what each of us needs and discuss how we can both be happy in this situation.
I will also explain that I have no intention of giving in because he is shouting. I could however make numerous compromises out of love for him, if he would express what he needs from me.
Possible positive beliefs
a. I am safe in secure in every situation.
b. Nothing can ever happen to me, which is not exactly what I need for my spiritual growth.
c. This person is my teacher which life has placed before me.
d. He is unhappy and afraid, or else he would not be acting in this way.
e. Behind his angry and threatening appearance hides a fearful and hurt child.
f. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.
A possible I-message to an Intimidator
"I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens, I back down from confrontation with you. I retreat suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens, I lose my self-respect and feel injustice and then angry with you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.
"With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect.
"I have decided to try to overcome my fear and be more honest with you. I am going to try to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me.
"I would like to ask for your help with this effort.
"I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want together. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.
"How do you feel about this idea?"
Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet.
Over 600 free articles, lectures, relaxation and positive projection as mp3 audio. Become a life coach.
At http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/
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